Things i dont bother telling others.

is it because its stupid? is it because im saving myself from pity? or do i just feel guilty? , just a journal of my thoughts, morals, and other personal stuff thay'll maybe help myself or others later and worth jotting down.

october 3, 2024
Im becoming extremely depressed lately, such a stupid reason too. I dont think my friends consider me too much, id be talking to them but then come one of their newer friends and they leave. I didnt mind, i talk to them all the time and i know i shouldnt be the only one they ever get a chance to talk to. Though it doesnt change my nature, i feel upset, disapointed, sometimes a little bit angry.
Its not that i dont want them to make new friends or spend time with anyone other than me, its just,
i want someone to think about me too.
i want somebody to come and have the urge to talk to me about their day, how i am, anything. i want to be invited out to hangout without the pressure of them thinking they HAVE to.
im my own person, i dont have to be friends with my friends's friends just because they are friends with eachother, but it feels like i cant make some friends on my own.
i almost did, we have lots in common, they were so nice to me. I thought i did it on my own, i thought i could have my own friends.Then a message from my friends detailed how they werent a good person. ill take their word, even when i dont want to. Its how i am, i dont like people who dont like my friends, is about the reasoning too not just some petty fighting between them. (they are not a very good person)

oct 18 2024

I am okay with myself now, ive learned to be actually be my own person, i had said that earlier but i was lying, ive only told myself that for my own validation. I learned to do things of my own will and whatever i cant is out of my reach or consider doesnt matter because i cant change it. Also i understand my friends wont have much time for me nowadays, and to that i understand i have to grow too, nothing will be as it used to because it isnt supposed to

November 19 2024
Today ive decided not to do anything for anyone anymore, im gonna do my own thing because i understand others are busy too. I wont sit waiting for my turn anymore, im busy too. I wont stay quiet because its easier that way, ill talk too. (omg talk tuah)
I wont care about anyone else but myself.

Dec 4 2024
what a liar i am. you didnt even try to do the things you promised

Dec 19 2024
(school lunch break) I think i had a "panic attack" but im not sure to be honest, i was wandering around the halls thinking if i should go to lunch or not when i went upstairs and started feeling kinda hazey, it was normal to me at first because i dont eat real healthy and so sometimes get light headed after doing things too fast like running or suddenly standing up (like when ur iron is low).
Then when i got to the top of the stairs i felt really weird, my heart was racing faster than normal, my eyes kinda hurt and my vision blurred in ways it wasnt supposed to like things started becoming disformed like i was dizzy. I took a break from walking and sat in a empty stairwell,and when it didnt go away after 5 minutes i started sweating really bad and i couldnt calm down. I started scrapping my knuckles agaisnt a rough brick wall to try and feel some kind of pain to snap out of it and it kind of worked, it helped calm down. A little bit later when my vision came back I thought i was okay with myself enough to be at my lunch table but just felt i needed to drink something. when i got there i felt really jittery and shakey but it was only internally and my hands werent shaking that much. my arms, parts of my legs, hands, fingers and eye lids kept twitching but my torso was almost like shivering but without even being cold, i was thinking about how good a strawberry milk sounded but they didnt have any so chocolate milk was okay too. I drank it and slowly calmed down and kinda started disociating and being concious of my being, i felt like i could "feel" too much of my body and less of my conciousness like i couldnt focus on any of my thoughts and too focused on my senses. I got up and went to the bathroom to get my shit together and to just be alone for a second. it only helped 'so much' until i went back to the cafeteria. I came back to an empty table kind of reliefed until i saw my friends at a vending machine. I thought it'd be real awkward when they came back to just me sitting there myself so i went to join them at the vending machine. As I walked to them i wondered what kind of snack they've gotten but I was then semi-confronted by one of my friends, they asked me if i was okay and i almost started to laugh at the question like it was a funny joke, it reminded me of my mother telling me i was "sick" and i really couldnt see myself disordered enough to fit that label. I asked my mother to reassure she meant what she said and insisted on it. (back to dec 19th)
only a grin escaped and i smiled at her assuring i was fine as i was the same person i was. At that moment, speaking physically, i wasnt sure if i was or if i wasnt since i still felt staggery and semi concious, when i was speaking to my friend i felt like i was hearing it from myself in third person or a video recording, i brushed it off since i only wanted them to overlook it. i went over to two other friends to see what they were doing, they were doing some dance and making some autistic chant, they encouraged me to join in but i thought it was stupid so i turned away. Nobody else was doing anything but just standing there blocking the vending machine for other people, it really annoyed me so i went back to our table not wanting to be apart of the problem, as i sat down i watched everyone else followed. I wondered how long they wouldve been standing there if i didnt start to leave first.

i really hate when others do things that inconvinence people not even just inconvincing me. Screw things up and make ur life harder for yourself all you want, just dont involve others. (this including extermely socially unaware people too that KEEP DOING IT)

Dec 20 2024
i stinky

Dec 20 2024
i wrote a short summary what ive learned bout the last two weeks,its a guide for myself
Whether its the others around you that makes you feel so unwanted or its yourself distancing from them, you need to understand "why?".
"Why dont they spend any time with me anymore?" "Why dont they care?" "why cant they stay a little longer?" "Why do they leave without hesitation?" "why dont they even bother anymore?" "why dont they do anything for me like i do them?"
Why,why,why,why,why, i always ask myself. repeating in my mind, observing for awhile since september, ive finally came up with an answer
They're too busy in their own lives
They don't have any time to spend with you anymore. They're too busy spending it with somebody else.
ive tried so hard for so long convincing myself im okay with it, denial, barganing, anger, now recently, "depression". (the five stages of grief
i really hate that word, it sounds so niche like im not the one fit to be using it and its annoying.
The issue isnt entirely them, its you too. They arent obligated to play with you all day long like they used to
they have their own lives to tend to whether that means its with or without and with someone else, its not all about you.
If they're busy then your busy too.
Im busy too. I have my own shit to do i dont have to be here waiting, fuck you. fuck. you i fucking hate you stupid cuck. go fuck yourself
i didnt mean the last part, i made a drawing its metaphorical and stuff (how lame) its how i keep saying the same shit over and over but i keep fucking it up and having to redo it, like with my thoughts and rewriting how id better myself

Dec 21 2024 tomorrow i want to leave home for a bit and enjoy myself, i want to ride my bike along the icy cold roads just til the sun goes down. Just me maybe to think about things or just give my bike some love.

December 28 2024
Im not particularly scared of spiders or everyday insects, im fine with spotting them in my house and just think "oh well, they're keeping my house free of other bugs too." because i dont bother going out of my way to go kill house spiders, id only really try to kill them if they're close to my bed or just in a convinent killing spot like a plain wall with an object near me.
but one thing for sure, I Fucking hate stink bugs. or really any bugs that can fly,

Ive realized I dont feel very wanted or liked at selected classes, Ive changed them because i wanted to and already found a difference in living.